Balding Middle Aged White Guy Dispatched to Ukraine

The White House today announced that a middle aged balding diplomat would travel to Kiev immediately, “A man with gray hair, glasses, and the ability to speak with grim determination, a man who is no fun to be with and will say practically nothing, though take hours doing so.” The White House added that as a measure of its contempt for Putin, the diplomat “won’t even be an American. Not one-percent American!”

Russia denounced the move calling it needless escalation. Official Sergi Igkgksi mocked America, “For years you held aging Soviets in contempt. Now you send us an older guy with a frown and you expect us to care? Our éminence grise can drink your éminence grise under the table!"

Speaking off the record because he was not authorized to speak, a senior official who was incapable of being identified said, “The United States is alarmed and we pledge action. All options are on the table, including sending one of our crazy old white guys."

The looming grise crisis, in which both nations will pit their elderly against one another in a war of words, of fists, and, in a domesday scenario, of flying dentures and spit was seen as cause for alarm in many circles. Elmo Phailly of Human Rights Watch expressed his organization's concern saying, “I've watched guys like this on television, and frankly its inhuman. I won’t be letting my wife or kids watch the Sunday talk shows this week.”